What to do when someone else is losing weight and you're not

I used to feel threatened when other people lost weight or told me of their plans to.

This was back when I was newer to body positivity. I had only recently committed to removing weight loss as a primary goal in my life, to instead focus on building a trusting connection with my body.

Previously I'd spent a long time trying to ignore my body's requests for food and rest, celebrating when I got smaller and shaming myself when I got larger. So it was a big deal when I finally decided to instead listen to my body. I stopped using the scale as a measure of evaluation and learned to instead rely on internal feedback aka how do I actually feel?

It was quite the transition.

So then when other people talked to me about their diets it felt terrifying. I would start to question everything:

"Maybe I shouldn't trust this intuitive eating thing!" "What's wrong with my body?" "I miss being super skinny, maybe I should try dieting again?"

But ultimately something in my body would always come back with a strong No, we're not doing that anymore. Message received.

So my next impulse would be to feel critical of the other person. The one trying to lose weight. I would silently judge them or even try to educate them: "Do you know about intuitive eating?" That never went very well.

After several years of this I started to learn a new skill-- the ability to sit in the uncomfortable feeling of someone making a different choice than me. Doing my best to just feel that discomfort, to not turn it into a judgement of the other person or of myself.

No stories, no educating, just feeling-- that was the level up.

Some insecure part of me often wants reassurance that I made the right choices in life. It's scary when someone else is doing something divergent from my path!

But I've stopped reaching for reassurance. I've learned to just notice the feeling, be a little tender with the truth that I can never fully know that I made all the right choices. What are right choices anyway?

I don't believe in a morally correct choice. But I do trust my body. I trust the "No" feeling that arises in me when I wonder if I should go back to dieting. I trust the information my body gives me after I eat. I trust the joy I feel when I dance or sing.

I've sat with this stuff long enough that these days I don't get all that rattled when someone else is intentionally losing weight. I don't tend to ask questions or dwell in the conversation, but I'm down to listen some, to even join them in feeling happy that they got something they wanted. It has nothing to do with me. I got what I wanted too; a trusting, embodied connection with myself.

I have my limits, of course-- I ask people not to discuss their diet around my daughter, and I change the subject if I start feeling activated myself. I curate my social media, hit unfollow as needed. I always have attention for my clients mixed feelings about weight and welcome it with open arms. Outside of sessions though, there's a lot of weight loss in the milieu these days and I don't need to hear about all of it.

But mostly I try to remember-- other people's choices have nothing to do with me. I already know what it was like to try to control my body. I already went down that path. The food noise was incessant and the fear of gaining weight dominated my brain.

Once I chose to listen to my body instead, the food noise quieted, and eventually my brain and body became a much more peaceful place to exist. I'll choose that every time.

So. When someone else is losing weight and you're not: just feel. Remember that you are your own person. If you hit a limit, set a boundary or change the subject. Mostly: be kind to yourself.