My pants were tighter this morning

Today when I went to put on my pants, they were just a little bit harder to button.

Oh.

I’d been expecting this.

Postpartum stress+ hormones+ breastfeeding= weight loss in the unique concoction that is my body.

These days I’m not so stressed. My hormones are stabilizing (especially as breastfeeding slowly decreases), so the weight is returning. This is good news.

But here's how this would've gone down a decade ago:

1. When I got smaller I would’ve been STOKED and VOWED to do everything in my power to keep it that way.

2. When I got bigger, I would’ve taken it as a sign to double down on control

Tighter pants would’ve meant "it’s time to get into gear!" AKA: THERE. ARE. THINGS. TO. DO!!!

I can still feel the echoes of the internal frenzy. Weight gain= something needs to be done. Which, to be honest, can be empowering, as there is little I love more than a clear goal and an outlined path to get there.

But it’s not a decade ago.

Now I understand set point weight theory— the idea that our bodies just want to be the size they want to be. Which means that when I lost the weight postpartum, I knew it would come back sooner or later. I didn’t make any promises to try to keep it off.

Now that I’m gaining weight, there isn’t anything to do.

Well that’s not entirely true.

There are 2 things to do:

1. Feel. I'm just noticing any feelings that arise in me. I didn’t choose to live in a world that tells negative stories about weight gain, but those stories are in the air we breathe. All I can do is pay attention when they talk to me and help myself move through them.

2. Get new clothes. (All my clothes are covered in crumbs and snot so it’s not a bad idea anyway).

In the past I would’ve become attached to the idea of my body as smaller. Though I don't know a lot about Buddhism, I do love the practice of non attachment, and in this case that means non-attachment to the idea of my body as a particular size. My body can decide what size it wants to be.

Practicing non-attachment and getting new clothes doesn't always feel as empowering as “Make a plan to lose weight" does, but that’s because it goes against the cultural stories we tell about bodies. Still, it's a more honest path. And honesty is indeed powerful.

Plus when I have harder body image days I usually put my hair up a little higher and put on bigger hoops. That feels pretty powerful to me too. :)